Hollywood and Movies:The Pit of Despair

I have lost all hope for humanity. That’s it. We’re through. Done. Capice. We’ve tortured ourselves too much to be allowed to survive. Why, you may ask? Well, because aparently the formerly prestigeous land of magic known as Hollywood is obviously employing monkeys, and not very bright ones. If the most elite job on the planet (besides the pope, president, janitor) is thick enough to announce a SEQUEL TO TWILIGHT AND ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (you may begin crying), then I hope that Cthulhu the Devourer comes ASAP.

You see, movies USED to be cool. Imagine a world without Ghostbusters, The Godfather or, God forbid, Star Wars. Sure, Ghostbusters 2 and The Godfather 3 are WAAAAY below the originals, and I think the elimination of Jar Jar and his angsty friend Anakin could lead to world peace, but that’s not the point. The point is, when is the last time you heard of a movie so amazing, so perfect that lines of people would flood the theater days after it was released? No, seriously, send me a comment if you have, I dare you. THAT’s what Stars Wars had. Now how many people have you seen begging to see the abomination known as Twilight? Or Alvin and the Friggin’ Chipmunks???

Please understand, I KINDA get the Twilight thing. Sadly, whole hordes of salivating pre-teens would sell their kidneys to see a live action Mr. and Ms. Blanderson, AKA, Edward and Bella. But Hollywood? Whoever is in charge? May I ask why you allowed this? Look, half the movies in my local movie theater also double as forms of torture. We do NOT need the sequel for the most eye-rippingly-out-of-your-skull-just-to-save-your-sanity movie ever.

And that brings me to my next subject: Alvin and the Chipmunks. Yes there’s a sequel planned. My biggest problem is not that the first was awful. That is already known. No, my problem is, WHY??? Who demanded this movie be made? There is no fan club begging for a sequel! No cliffhanger that must be resolved! If your movie has little to no effect on society whatsoever, a sequel is the LAST THING to do!

So that’s about it for me. I hope some important people see this post and actually do something about this plague of awfulness and save movies. Then maybe I shall slay the evil Dr. Octagonapuss with the mighty hammer of Odin and be crowned the almighty king of beef jerky whilst I ride into the Martian horizon on my Yoshi.
BLARG
Shoop da Whoop!

Twilight? More Like SUCKlight!

Usually, it’s hard to transfer books and games to the big screen. The plot is already known to the public, the director must follow the book’s specific story and they usually suck. Harry Potter movies have been the greatest exception with the gold, alongside Narnia and Eragon not too far behind, winning the bronze. Twilight, however, was so distracted by the creepy pre-teen girls’ disturbing love of Edward that it missed the finish line and landed headfirst into a puddle of black eyeliner and drowned.

The most glaring issue with the movie is, well, just look at it. It’s hideous. This must be the most depressing town in America, let alone the entire hyper-supremoverse (Webster has yet to add this word, for some reason). The most common color is a mix between Gruesome Gray and Broody Black, and last time I checked, the last movie that was like that starred Groucho Marx. I swear, besides the 80 different levels of gray, there are about 10 other colors, all of which are still tainted gray. It’s bland and unappealing, and speaking of which, let’s talk about the characters. Due to the appaling number of lifeless, boring wax-people called ‘actors’, we must assume that the director is from Bizarroworld, where people talk backwards and wear hats on their feet.

Me am bestest direktar evar!

Finally, and most annoying of all, is this: is this supposed to be a vampire movie? Whatever happened to the undead, Transylvanian men with funny hairdoos, that are now replaced with strangely attractive yet dangerous hunks who have only one facial expression and have funny hairdoos. Oh, wait, he doesn’t even have any funny hairdoo. He actually has nothing to do with vampires, since he can eat garlic and shines in the sunlight. I wish that last part was a joke, I really do. Let’s not forget that vampires don’t usually date. They eat people. They live in castles. They have a poor fashion sense. Well, at least that tradition is still holding strong…

Star Wars Prequels: It’s A Trap!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (actually it was in the 1950s in Northern California), a young boy plays with his action figures, and his mom shouts at him to stop daydreaming before he misses the bus to filmmaker’s camp. Twenty-seven years later, George Lucas used this innocent beginning and raked in over 2 million bucks with the incredible Star Wars movie, depicting a whiny little teen accompanied by a trash can, an even more whiny robot, an old man, a rug, and an awesome pilot rescuing a princess with odd hairstyles from the evil Nazis Empire, who live in a giant moon (that’s no moon…) and is commanded by Darth Vader, who looks good in black. George realized that he could rake in even MORE money, and released a sequel. This one had the gang on an ice planet but the evil Nazis Empire chases them out, and the whiny kid goes to a swamp to get training from Kermit the Frog’s weird great-uncle that talks backwards. Then, the princess and the pilot almost get eaten by a space worm for no reason, goes to the black guy for repairs, but get kidnapped. The boy goes to rescue them but gets his hand cut off, discovering that his father is an evil robot that kicks puppies, and falls off a cliff. The final sequel involves the now frozen pilot getting kidnapped by a fat guy, but gets rescued once again by the kid, who now has a cool sword, and accidentally send a bounty hunter into the mighty Sarlacc.

Then a bunch of cute Ewoks arrive, and blah, blah, blah. The point I’m trying to make here is the prequels. There was so much hype for these movies, you could cut through the tension with a lightsaber. Oh lord, they were off by a lot. Instead of a cool lightsaber flick, we got Jar Jar Binks, the most pointless movie character since that poor nameless guy in Robocop that gets annihilated by the ED-209 (look it up on youtube, it’s too gory to show here). He turned the saga of awesomeness into a comedy for little padawans that needed to be shown ‘funny’ moments, although they were much less ‘funny’ and more ‘disgraceful’. Also, the movies were released a little too late, mostly because it acted like that one friend that accidentally ruins the movie by telling you the entire plot. Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and the Emperor are in the sequels, so there’s no real use to even see the movies, you just need a brain and common sense. In my opinion, they should have killed off Anakin in the beginning of the movie, just to screw around with the fans.

Jack Thompson; Moron Extraordinare

If you like to play videogames, chances are you have heard of this man. Jack Thompson hates videogames, and accuses them of being the source of all problems. Tire flat? Blame GTA. Stubbed your toe? Blame the PS3. Your girlfriend dumps you for a midget? Probably because Mario has made you unattractive for her, what with all his massive massacre of innocent turtles. That was sarcasm, by the way. Jack Thompson isn’t, by the way, and it’s his sword duty to protect the universe, even though it doesn’t need protecting and nobody would ask him to protect it even if it was. Do not worry, though, because he is an incompetent fool. He tried to sue Nintendo because the Wii injuries would kill everyone and their children without remorse. Unfortunately, the said people injured didn’t use the strap which is made to prevent those accidents, and the only way to let a Wii remote fly out of your hands and into a nearby friend’s scalp is to cake your hands in butter. So naturally, Jack lost. Then with the GTA scandal (an unlockable mod with adult actions), Thompson jumped on the case, leaving Rockstar game industries slightly dazed. Jack lost again, only to attempt to strike back at his mortal enemy, Rockstar, once and for all. The somewhat cartoony escapades of the bumbling lawyer almost makes you wish for a better adversary against videogames, like the villains in Indiana Jones movies who succeed a few times, always while wearing an annoyingly cocky smirk, but the second they get to the top, the heroic avenger whip-lashes him into submission, sending him spiraling into his impending doom. Or his face melts off, either one works out fine.

24

A lot or nothing can happen in one day. You can get in a car crash with a truck carrying chemicals and go to a hospital with a piece of radioactive shrapnel lodged in your forehead, thus giving you super-human powers, or you can just stay at home eating popcorn……..radioactive popcorn. Or, in the case of CTU field agent and all-around awesome dude Jack Bouer, you can save the world from evil terrorists, all without the use of radioactive materials (or so he would like us to think…) Although bullet-proof, torture-proof, and falling-off-an-exploding-9-story-building-onto-someone’s-strangely-placed-car-and-breaking-his-legs proof, he has to work for a government facility nobody’s heard about in a California that is full of terrorists, explosions, and abandoned factories. Aiding him is his troupe of seedy co-workers that all turn evil at one point or just look evil. In an unrelated note, the show also focuses on the President, who is black for reasons unknown, and Jack’s daughter, Kim, who has horrible, horrible luck. No, I’m serious, she gets into so much trouble that you can’t feel sorry for her, mostly because her exploits are so unbelievable you’d think that she does this on purpose. In the second season, the producers just decided to run with this idea. She has a babysitting job, the father turns out to be a demented child beater, she escapes from the father with the child, she gets help from her boyfriend that looks like a drug addict, they escape in the father’s car, they get stopped by the police discovering that there is a dead body in the trunk, the cop car they’re in crashes, she wanders out into the woods and gets caught in a bear trap, is attacked by a cougar, rescued by some guy, he turns out to be insanely clingy, and she finally gets held hostage at a convenience store. Keep in mind that this is in less than one day, and you can tell she set at least two parts up. I mean, the cougar part makes me imagine that the cougar set up the trap. Take that, natural selection!

Skeletons in Nintendo’s Closet

Nintendo is the longest running videogame producer on this planet that was not destroyed by greed (Sega), desperation (Sega), or being outdated (Atari). The Nintendo has it’s own little secrets of it’s own, that are even more amazing than Sega’s ‘BLAST PROCESSING!’ lie that was made just to make the system sound like a form of awesome teleportation. First of all, have you ever played the first Super Mario Brothers? Have you played Super Mario Brothers 3? How about the second one? If you answered yes, chances are you’re WRONG! The game known as the sequel is not even CLOSE to the real version. You see, when Super Mario Brothers 2 was released in Japan, the developers discovered that the game resembled the difficulty of the seventh level of Hades and would be too hard for us stupid Americans, so they instead replaced the game with something called Doki-Doki-Panic. The real game, now called The Secret Levels, was soon released via Super Mario All-Stars, and Japan got what was called Super Mario Brothers 2 US, which confused audiences because it was a game that already existed, only with Mario characters and even less features. Also, have you ever heard of Punch Out! for the NES? What was the sequel again? If you answered, “Yea, duh, on the Super Nintendo”, you are, again, wrong. Punch Out!The real sequel had nothing to do with that minuscule little boxer Little Mac, and it didn’t even have Mike Tyson, although the main character looks suspiciously similar. In fact, the game doesn’t even take place on Earth, as your protagonist has to fight round after round of aliens. Why have you never heard of it? Mostly because the name was changed to Power Punch II (with no original Power Punch to begin with), but also because it was awful. So awful, in fact, that Nintendo changed the title so nobody would know where to send hate mail to. The aliens all presumably have hands made of lead, while you apparently have butter at the end of your arms. The graphics are actually worse than Punch Out!, and with no swift dodging or strategic timing of punches like in Punch Out!, by deciding what King Hippo’s weakness is (that strange X on his stomach that appears when he gets tired, possibly) and the entire game turns into a button masher. And button mashers are not fun. Finally, the CDI. Oh dear lord, the CDI. This horrible contraption works on CDs, has full-motion video, and a controller that might as well be made of silly putty. Ever heard of Hotel Mario, the game designed to be a sequel to Super Mario World, that has to do with CLOSING DOORS? Or the Legend of Zelda games designed by Russians of all people, where Link cheerfully proclaims, and I quote, “I’m so hungry, I could eat an Octoroc!” If you haven’t, then Nintendo has the same feelings. They are denying that it ever existed, and it was just a figment of our imagination. Then, Nintendo cackled and disappeared in a ball of fire.

Stephen King

The best kind of novels are the ones that capture readers. Love stories don’t do this, or at least not as well as others. The outcome is more or less the same: Boy looses girl, boy finds other girl, they date, break up, and get back together. Hooray. Horror novels, however are the pinnacle of excitement. With movies you know the scary guy is coming, but you don’t know when, but when it’s in a book, you don’t know anything. Stephen King is the pinnacle of this effect. You may be asking to yourself, “But incrediblydisgruntled, I thought you only write about bad things.” First of all, stop talking to yourself, it’s creeping everyone out. Secondly, I just want to talk about this, okay? If you have such a strong opinion about it, make your own blog and break the rules. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Stephen King. The best books in my opinion are by him, but exceptions do exist. If you have a choice between a Stephen King book with blood and gore and insane maniacs and one with a gripping love theme which (duh) leads to blood and gore and insane maniacs, go with the first choice and skip all that lovey-dovey stuff. The most famous of Stephen’s books are also the best and most entertaining. Cujo, It, ‘Salem’s Lot, these are great books of horror and death. If you want something truly terrifying that will shake you to the core, by all means get Pet Semetary. Not to spoil the story, a family moves to the country with a kindly old neighbor, even though there is a path in their backyard leading to a pet cemetery, cutely named a Pet Semetary. When the family cat dies, the father and the neighbor secretly take it and bury it in the far reaches of the Semetary. Then, much to the father’s horror, the cat revives, if not a little slow-witted. Hilarity ensues. But, now that I’ve realized it, every famous and well-known person will die, and we will have to move on. If Regis dies, it becomes the Random Host and Kelly Show. When Michael Jackson dies, who will replace his disturbing appearance and tendancy to dangle his child off an balcony? If Brittany Spears dies, KFC will go bankrupt! Think of what will happen when Stephen King, master of horror novels, dies? Well, we could just take him over to the abandoned cemetery and……no, that would end badly.

The (Un)happiest Place on Earth!

I was cruising through the Internet one day, when I came upon this incredible copyright infringement. This is Shijingshan Amusement Park, a park inspired by exactly the same as Disney World. In this abomination are such fantastical characters as ‘Duck’ and ‘Girl Cat’. Go ahead, look it up on Google, and prepare to be amazed. Other characters include a goofy dog, a princess wearing glass shoes, and seven short people with beards. The worst part about this whole fiasco? The amusement park’s directors are DENYING the fact that any of the park is based on Disney, but based on Chinese folk tales, evidently based on a mild-mannered ‘Boy Cat’ and his girlfriend, ‘Girl Cat’, who have fun with the bad-tempered duck and the screw-up dog. Now, look up Shijingshan Amusement Park again on Google images, and you’ll soon discover how incredibly and obviously misconceived these people must be. They also deny that fact that the banner in the entrance to the park that says, I’m serious, ‘Disney is Too Far, so Please Come to Shijingshan’. In this video, you can plainly see that there is basically no difference between the two. Also, if you think you just saw Shrek in the video, it’s because you did, only it’s called Shreku, which to them must make a world of difference. My sources tell me that when interviewing the little girl, she thought that these characters were from Disney. Think I’m crazy? The guys who work all day in the costumes for the park even say that these characters are from Disney. I can’t even show you the ticket booth shaped like Snow White, but can only say that it probably repels customers rather than attract.   

YouTube

The Internet (or as a few newbies say, the Internets) is a marvelous thing. You can learn anything with the push of a button, from e-mailing your grandma or hacking into your annoying neighbors hard-drive so every password he made is changed to ‘imahugelooserwithabigbuttandanuglyface 22’. The most awe and eww inspiring part of the Internet is in a strange alley called YouTube. Located there is everything ever filmed on video, and I mean EVERYTHING. Go ahead, type a random search into the YouTube search engine and you’ll get something. Hit the keypad randomly with your fist and you’ll get a fat kid dancing with the words ‘advoe’o-21’ painted on his chest. If a guy punches a robber in the face and it was caught on a security camera you can bet your bottom dollar that video will be on YouTube before the day ends. YouTube is also a bucket of filth. To quote the long-dead Obi-Wan-Kenobi, “Never has there been such a retched place of scum and villainy”. With all of those fantastical videos of wonder there is obviously a video or two billion that make you wonder why they deserve to exist. There are even some videos of people screaming incoherently, doing absolutely nothing, or doing unspeakable acts so despicable and loathsome that nobody should ever do willingly. YouTube is also full of ‘classics’ that you’ve seen so much that they get very boring, very quickly, causing you to lose many friends that thought they were a laugh riot while you groan and wonder how many times he has said how funny it was at school. And if anyone dares tell me that they’ve never heard of the “Leave Brittany Alone!” skit, I will personally send a basket of shame and bees to them, courtesy of the Internets.