Nintendo is the longest running videogame producer on this planet that was not destroyed by greed (Sega), desperation (Sega), or being outdated (Atari). The Nintendo has it’s own little secrets of it’s own, that are even more amazing than Sega’s ‘BLAST PROCESSING!’ lie that was made just to make the system sound like a form of awesome teleportation. First of all, have you ever played the first Super Mario Brothers? Have you played Super Mario Brothers 3? How about the second one? If you answered yes, chances are you’re WRONG! The game known as the sequel is not even CLOSE to the real version. You see, when Super Mario Brothers 2 was released in Japan, the developers discovered that the game resembled the difficulty of the seventh level of Hades and would be too hard for us stupid Americans, so they instead replaced the game with something called Doki-Doki-Panic. The real game, now called The Secret Levels, was soon released via Super Mario All-Stars, and Japan got what was called Super Mario Brothers 2 US, which confused audiences because it was a game that already existed, only with Mario characters and even less features. Also, have you ever heard of Punch Out! for the NES? What was the sequel again? If you answered, “Yea, duh, on the Super Nintendo”, you are, again, wrong. The real sequel had nothing to do with that minuscule little boxer Little Mac, and it didn’t even have Mike Tyson, although the main character looks suspiciously similar. In fact, the game doesn’t even take place on Earth, as your protagonist has to fight round after round of aliens. Why have you never heard of it? Mostly because the name was changed to Power Punch II (with no original Power Punch to begin with), but also because it was awful. So awful, in fact, that Nintendo changed the title so nobody would know where to send hate mail to. The aliens all presumably have hands made of lead, while you apparently have butter at the end of your arms. The graphics are actually worse than Punch Out!, and with no swift dodging or strategic timing of punches like in Punch Out!, by deciding what King Hippo’s weakness is (that strange X on his stomach that appears when he gets tired, possibly) and the entire game turns into a button masher. And button mashers are not fun. Finally, the CDI. Oh dear lord, the CDI. This horrible contraption works on CDs, has full-motion video, and a controller that might as well be made of silly putty. Ever heard of Hotel Mario, the game designed to be a sequel to Super Mario World, that has to do with CLOSING DOORS? Or the Legend of Zelda games designed by Russians of all people, where Link cheerfully proclaims, and I quote, “I’m so hungry, I could eat an Octoroc!” If you haven’t, then Nintendo has the same feelings. They are denying that it ever existed, and it was just a figment of our imagination. Then, Nintendo cackled and disappeared in a ball of fire.