Remember the good ol’ days of film? Where movies were actually not CGI-tastic or every other character was a ego-obsessed actor? You probably don’t, but pop in a classic horror movie and you’ll see. No, Saw in not classic. That is Japanese. Freddy is classic. Jason is classic. Heck, even Leatherhead is classic. Today all horror movies lack something that movies used to have: Americanism. Think about Freddy, only Japanese. If you thought of a bad movie, congratulations! You’re smarter than Hollywood! The Ring, Saw, and The Grudge are perfect examples of people that wish to infect our simple tales of unjustified manslaughter and stalking maniacs with a blood lust with Asian zombies and possessed TVs. Eeek (that’s the sound I make when something doesn’t phase me at all).On a different note, have you ever noticed that the dumbest people are attacked by monsters, zombies, and insane murderers? If you are confronted by, let’s just say, It-(the clown)-, what would you do? Why, beat his goofy butt senseless, that’s what! Other people would rather stay still, paralyzed with fear and stupidity. If you hear a noise coming from the attic or any other dark area about as large as a serial killer, don’t investigate. That’s what the numbers 9 and 1 and 1 are for on a phone. If you are pursued by the slowest killer in history, Michael Myers, keep a good pace, and then throw any nearby items at his face, kicking him while he’s down and always keeping both eyes on him. If all else fails, just leave the house. Hey, it’s not YOUR kids he’s murdering!

Because of this site’s family style setting and the harsh feelings against this topic will likely summon foul language, I shall replace every bad word with ‘poop’. Thank you.Hollywood is full of insane people that could make a movie about anything remotely popular like going to the bathroom as long as it includes Johnny Depp and explosions. This topic includes video games. Now, I’m no genius, but the first movie was probably the Mario Brothers. The worst piece of ‘poop’ ever to disgrace this planet was not actually based on Italians crushing mushrooms and throwing fireballs. No, it had to do with magic and ‘poop’ story or something like that. I mean, really, they said Bowser was a dinosaur. He’s obviously a fat dragon with spikes, duh. Also, Yoshi was not an ugly velociraptor, further proving that Hollywood likes anything that can kill us. Next on my list is the kinda good Tomb Raider movies. The only reason it did so well is because it had a foxy actress and….actually, that’s about all the movie had to offer. Then came the Final Fantasy film, done only in CGI. I think it’s the best movie of the lot, which is still bad. The fighting scenes are so close up and quick they could be about anything, let alone fighting, not to mention Sephiroth’s attraction to Cloud, which is bordering on scary. Then there is Doom, and there’s nothing much to say except that it looks like the game. And now, we get to the worst of the worst: Hitman. The GAME Hitman is fun, killing enemies (and sometimes the innocent), sniping, the works. The MOVIE Hitman is such a ‘poop’ing ‘poop’ of ‘poop’ that my ‘poop’ could ‘poop’ a poop’ more than this ‘poop’ could in a ‘poop’ing day! It’s a horrible rip-off of the James Bond movies, only not cool or entertaining. Thank you and have a great ‘poop’ day!

CAUTION! TV SHOW ‘LOST’ SPOILERS ALERT!      

 Everyone knows it. “Oh dear, the plane crashed on a strange island! Well, at least I don’t have any taxes to pay for a while.” Now, imagine this island is full of a wide range of characters, all just happen to have a troubled past. Then add polar bears, cursed numbers, child kidnappings, and a rabid fan base, and you’re watching LOST. Now, there are thousand of claims to what is going on in this crazy island, and those are only the most insane ones (a skit on Saturday Night Live assumed that the island is on a giant’s big toe). I am going deeper into the depths of this most confusing and brain-numbing show available.

1. The Numbers – 4 8 15 16 23 42. The most mysterious thing in LOST is also raking in the most money, so chances are they won’t reveal it soon. There are so many thoughts about this one it’s insane. Some say it’s Satanic. Some say it’s simply a list of cursed numbers. Some guy even said that the numbers don’t do anything, and Hurly was just having a very, very, very bad week ever since he won 100 mil in the lottery by using those very numbers. Who knows, maybe the LOST crew made the numbers just to confuse the audience. Okay, maybe it was a freak coincidence that a meteor (or is it a meteorite?) crushed Hurley’s newly bought restaurant while the news reporter just happened to be inspecting it. Mondays, man.
2. The Actual Island – Something about that place is very unsettling. Maybe it’s the hatches, polar bears, or the downed plane stuffed to the brim with statues of the Holy Mary loaded with pot. Or the inclusion of the red-breasted herring, which is obviously a non-indigenous fish. Oh, and the hallucinations. Either the survivors secretly snatched the pot when ‘Crazy-Eyes’ Loch wasn’t looking, or the island is magical, or the polar bears have the ability of hypnosis, which is probably the second most insanely scary thing ever next to a flying velociraptor.
3. The Button – Those guys at Dharma have about two job opportunities: watching people on security cameras while laughing at them, or pressing a button in a hatch. The second job is much more boring and mysterious. In seasons past, it was explained that the island has a strong magnetic field, and if the button is not pressed, we can only assume that’s very, very bad. Well, Lock didn’t care, so he stopped pressing the button. Then, much to the opposite of his expectations, the hatch imploded. Somehow, Lock became mute for an hour, Echo got teleported into a bear cave, that British guy went into the past, only to get hit by a bat and re-appear naked in the middle of the island with the ability to foresee a person’s death, and Charlie escaped unscathed. Yea, something tells me that the producers don’t have a clue as to what’s going on, and are just making stuff up as they go along.

Welcome, boys and girls of all ages, to the most spine-tingling, hair-rising presidential campaign to this day! Who will win? Barack? Hillary? Basically anyone who isn’t a Republican? Who knows! Please read the second-to-last sentence. Now, as you all know, this election is for the Democrats. Maybe it’s because the Democrats have their own secret weapon: controversy. Maybe it’s because nobody wants another man that has the same campaign promises as Bush, who charmed the American populace with strings of what we once thought to be “cute mistakes” but we quickly found out that he had the skills of a mule and would not stop saying “nucular”. Nevertheless, they may try, but we all know we’re going to have either a black guy or a woman as president.  I’m not into the constant fighting this year. This is mostly from Clinton’s side. At first she was on Obama’s  side, like that “pal” who just sticks around you and may get on your nerves. Then, like a ferocious beast, she turned on him. She said, quote, “Shame on you Barrack Obama! Shame-on-you!”. There are also rumors that she sent government agents to search Obama’s personal files. Well, karma reared it’s ugly mug and announced that Clinton, while is saying she is totally against a bill, was seen meeting with someone to discuss the bill. Meanwhile, Barrack has been getting a leg up on the competition by doing what comes naturally; not caring at all. Now, it may sound that I’m pro-Obama, but I’m just listing the facts. Hillary DID go ape on her “pal” and there are RUMORS that the authorized the file search, and I’m not very wary of politics, a.k.a., I could not care less. I mean, do we really have to squabble around like small children fighting over a cookie just for a measly job as the all-powerful leader of the most acknowledged and well-armed nation in all of the planet and be praised as a God or loathed and despised by the entire human race? Well, maybe there is a little reason for squabble, but let’s not do it in front of the camera, okay?And if I would vote, it would be for Samuel L Jackson. 

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Hey, it would be so awesome if there was a game where there was alot of videogame characters kicking butt in on game.” Well, Nintendo can read your mind. They made Super Smash Brothers for the N64, and although the characters look like squares and the single player mode is boring, it’s a fun game. Then came the Gamecube, and you are thinking, “Man, these graphics for Super Smash Brothers are horrible. I wish that they were better” Enter Super Smash Brothers Melee. It was prettier, faster, and overall better. But then comes next-gen, and you’re thinking, “Dang, Bioshock has AWESOME graphics and so many levels and items. If only Super Smash Brothers Melee had these many extras.” Here comes Brwal. It was supposed to be released in December, wetting the pants of children everywhere that wanted to play as Meta Knight, or Snake, or that one guy called Ike that nobody knows! Sadly, it was delayed. Over and over again. Pessimists were upset that it would be like the Phantom game system and be delayed until the year 9,0341,173, but the more optimistic people thought it was because the game was so awesome that there would have to be a new holiday for it. Then, out of the bag, came Sonic the Hedgehog, ensuring that if this game wasn’t epic to the extremities, Nintendo would be burned at the stake for such evil and treasonous acts of anti-awesomeness. Well, I got the game after A LOT of waiting, and it is worth it. So many characters and so many extras (more than 500 trophies and God knows how many stickers) to make your Wii feel all tingly inside. But, let’s say you’re tired of the stages (for shame). You can MAKE your own stage, and it can be as big, small, or mentally unstable as you wish. You can also include a HUGE amount of classic and remixed Nintendo music to unlock. There’s also (pause for dramatic effect) online play. I can’t get it to work, but I’m sure it’s awesome. There’s new items that can either drastically turn the match to your favor or cripple you indefinitely. One of the items is the Final Smash, a perfect ending unique to each character. Here’s a video of all of the Final Smashes.

Ah, New York. City that never sleeps. Broadway, Radio City, Natural History Museum. And, most recently, prostitute scandals. Let’s start with Spitzer.  Spitzer, Spitzer, Spitzer. When elected, he promised to cease the rising prostitution in the city. How could he be a bad person? He was married, was strongly against prostitution, and he had a cool name. How could anything go wro- oh, wait. Never mind. Turns out he was having a little affair with a – guess who- prostitute. Actually, several ones. The entire city gasped at the news, not including his very, very angry wife (smooth Spitzer). Personally, he was doing a good job. How many people have been able to go behind an ENTIRE CITY’S BACK?? Besides most all of the Presidents, of course. Well, Spitzer left and peace has returned to the galaxy. The new governor, I forgot his name, is coming in, and he’s creepy. He kinda looks like Brock from the Pokemon TV series, only without the strange creatures. Sadly, they both have similar needs to be with a woman. This time, instead of gasping, the entire city of New York shared a huge groan. As did I, thinking that the President said that it would be a hoot if they were both having prostitutes, thus starting a gag on the city of New York on a bet to see who could get the entire city more ticked off in a shameful, shameful display of self deterioration resulting in eternal loathing from the country, nay, the planet. My money’s on Spitzer. 

I hate today’s modern world. Nowadays if one thing becomes even remotely popular, we get the next plague of lunch-boxes and posters plastered with the same, repetitive image. eg Shrek. Such is the case of High School Musical, which is already as popular as toilet paper. And I hate it. I hate the lame songs, the cheesy story and characters, and I hate the people who invented this…..thing down to their very soul. Lets start with the story. I would rather shave my head with a rusty chain-saw than memorize the plethora of unoriginal, lame characters, so I’ll just call them by what part they have in the movie; boy, girl, black guy, black girl, crazy teacher, crazy father, gay person, and dumb blond. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love, but boy needs to go back to school in other country. Girl just HAPPENS to be moving to boy’s school. Dumb blonde gets jealous. Dumb blond and gay person try to sabotage boy and girl’s relationship by getting girl too caught into black girl’s math club. Meanwhile, crazy teacher has drama project. Boy wants to impress girls by entering, but black guy and crazy father want boy to stick with basketball. In the end, everyone except for the dumb blonde is happy and they all live happily ever after. End. The story line is VERY similar to the story of Grease. Let’s review. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love, but boy needs to go back to school in other country. Girl just HAPPENS to be moving to boy’s school. Dumb blonde gets jealous. Dumb blond and other girl try to sabotage boy and girl’s relationship by getting girl too caught into screwing up relationship. Meanwhile, mean guy starts a race. Boy wants to impress girl by being a jock, but greaser buddies want boy to stick with racing. In the end, everyone except for the dumb blonde is happy and they all live happily ever after. END!  Now for the worst part. The music. If this movie had not been called High School Musical and instead Talentless Teens Beating a Baby Elephant with a Dying Cat Trying To Impersonate a Parrot Being Hacked to Pieces with a Rusty Nail, I’d be none the wiser. I hate these kind of movies where all of the sudden some guy starts singing “Look, I’m opening my LOCKER!!!” and suddenly he telepathically makes everyone near him sing and dance to it in perfect synchrony. I know, some of the best movies have these moments, but because it’s necessary. In The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack couldn’t have just said, “Oh, look, there’s white stuff all over the place, as well as colors. Oh Joy.” He HAD to sing it. In Sweeney Todd they couldn’t have said, “There was this guy and his wife and kid and the judge had him arrested so he could be with her, so now he’s gonna kill him.” Yea, the movie is called High School Musical, but the title is referring to the play within the movie. They had four options: 1. Not make it a musical.2. Not call it High School Musical.3. Not make the friggin’ movie. 4. Put in horrible meaningless music. Guess which they chose. The actors should all die a horrible, horrible death to repay for their sins. Like watch their movie until they gouge their eyes out with spoons and tear out their ears. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE SCRIPT??? Ever played the first Resident Evil game? Where the heroin says things like, “Oh. No. I. Had. Better. Look. Out. For. Zmobies.”  In High School Musical, they don’t even try. At least Resident Evil is funny, but they SCREAM out their hearts desires, like so: High School Musical Person: “YEA!!!!!! IMMA GONNA GO TO DA MUSICAAAAAAAALLLL!!” Sane Person: “OWW! Stop screaming! What is your problem?” “WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHAAAAAAR!”  Well, I’m done. I sincerely hope you agree to my opinions.  Incrediblydisgruntled, signing off.