I have lost all hope for humanity. That’s it. We’re through. Done. Capice. We’ve tortured ourselves too much to be allowed to survive. Why, you may ask? Well, because aparently the formerly prestigeous land of magic known as Hollywood is obviously employing monkeys, and not very bright ones. If the most elite job on the planet (besides the pope, president, janitor) is thick enough to announce a SEQUEL TO TWILIGHT AND ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (you may begin crying), then I hope that Cthulhu the Devourer comes ASAP.

You see, movies USED to be cool. Imagine a world without Ghostbusters, The Godfather or, God forbid, Star Wars. Sure, Ghostbusters 2 and The Godfather 3 are WAAAAY below the originals, and I think the elimination of Jar Jar and his angsty friend Anakin could lead to world peace, but that’s not the point. The point is, when is the last time you heard of a movie so amazing, so perfect that lines of people would flood the theater days after it was released? No, seriously, send me a comment if you have, I dare you. THAT’s what Stars Wars had. Now how many people have you seen begging to see the abomination known as Twilight? Or Alvin and the Friggin’ Chipmunks???

Please understand, I KINDA get the Twilight thing. Sadly, whole hordes of salivating pre-teens would sell their kidneys to see a live action Mr. and Ms. Blanderson, AKA, Edward and Bella. But Hollywood? Whoever is in charge? May I ask why you allowed this? Look, half the movies in my local movie theater also double as forms of torture. We do NOT need the sequel for the most eye-rippingly-out-of-your-skull-just-to-save-your-sanity movie ever.

And that brings me to my next subject: Alvin and the Chipmunks. Yes there’s a sequel planned. My biggest problem is not that the first was awful. That is already known. No, my problem is, WHY??? Who demanded this movie be made? There is no fan club begging for a sequel! No cliffhanger that must be resolved! If your movie has little to no effect on society whatsoever, a sequel is the LAST THING to do!

So that’s about it for me. I hope some important people see this post and actually do something about this plague of awfulness and save movies. Then maybe I shall slay the evil Dr. Octagonapuss with the mighty hammer of Odin and be crowned the almighty king of beef jerky whilst I ride into the Martian horizon on my Yoshi.

Shoop da Whoop!