Usually, it’s hard to transfer books and games to the big screen. The plot is already known to the public, the director must follow the book’s specific story and they usually suck. Harry Potter movies have been the greatest exception with the gold, alongside Narnia and Eragon not too far behind, winning the bronze. Twilight, however, was so distracted by the creepy pre-teen girls’ disturbing love of Edward that it missed the finish line and landed headfirst into a puddle of black eyeliner and drowned.

The most glaring issue with the movie is, well, just look at it. It’s hideous. This must be the most depressing town in America, let alone the entire hyper-supremoverse (Webster has yet to add this word, for some reason). The most common color is a mix between Gruesome Gray and Broody Black, and last time I checked, the last movie that was like that starred Groucho Marx. I swear, besides the 80 different levels of gray, there are about 10 other colors, all of which are still tainted gray. It’s bland and unappealing, and speaking of which, let’s talk about the characters. Due to the appaling number of lifeless, boring wax-people called ‘actors’, we must assume that the director is from Bizarroworld, where people talk backwards and wear hats on their feet.

Finally, and most annoying of all, is this: is this supposed to be a vampire movie? Whatever happened to the undead, Transylvanian men with funny hairdoos, that are now replaced with strangely attractive yet dangerous hunks who have only one facial expression and have funny hairdoos. Oh, wait, he doesn’t even have any funny hairdoo. He actually has nothing to do with vampires, since he can eat garlic and shines in the sunlight. I wish that last part was a joke, I really do. Let’s not forget that vampires don’t usually date. They eat people. They live in castles. They have a poor fashion sense. Well, at least that tradition is still holding strong…

No, I was not dead. Sorry. But, for all of my faithful fans (yes, all five of them) can look forward to more…something. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that I even have fans. Who knew?