The Internet (or as a few newbies say, the Internets) is a marvelous thing. You can learn anything with the push of a button, from e-mailing your grandma or hacking into your annoying neighbors hard-drive so every password he made is changed to ‘imahugelooserwithabigbuttandanuglyface 22′. The most awe and eww inspiring part of the Internet is in a strange alley called YouTube. Located there is everything ever filmed on video, and I mean EVERYTHING. Go ahead, type a random search into the YouTube search engine and you’ll get something. Hit the keypad randomly with your fist and you’ll get a fat kid dancing with the words ‘advoe’o-21′ painted on his chest. If a guy punches a robber in the face and it was caught on a security camera you can bet your bottom dollar that video will be on YouTube before the day ends. YouTube is also a bucket of filth. To quote the long-dead Obi-Wan-Kenobi, “Never has there been such a retched place of scum and villainy”. With all of those fantastical videos of wonder there is obviously a video or two billion that make you wonder why they deserve to exist. There are even some videos of people screaming incoherently, doing absolutely nothing, or doing unspeakable acts so despicable and loathsome that nobody should ever do willingly. YouTube is also full of ‘classics’ that you’ve seen so much that they get very boring, very quickly, causing you to lose many friends that thought they were a laugh riot while you groan and wonder how many times he has said how funny it was at school. And if anyone dares tell me that they’ve never heard of the “Leave Brittany Alone!” skit, I will personally send a basket of shame and bees to them, courtesy of the Internets.

Remember the good ol’ days of film? Where movies were actually not CGI-tastic or every other character was a ego-obsessed actor? You probably don’t, but pop in a classic horror movie and you’ll see. No, Saw in not classic. That is Japanese. Freddy is classic. Jason is classic. Heck, even Leatherhead is classic. Today all horror movies lack something that movies used to have: Americanism. Think about Freddy, only Japanese. If you thought of a bad movie, congratulations! You’re smarter than Hollywood! The Ring, Saw, and The Grudge are perfect examples of people that wish to infect our simple tales of unjustified manslaughter and stalking maniacs with a blood lust with Asian zombies and possessed TVs. Eeek (that’s the sound I make when something doesn’t phase me at all).On a different note, have you ever noticed that the dumbest people are attacked by monsters, zombies, and insane murderers? If you are confronted by, let’s just say, It-(the clown)-, what would you do? Why, beat his goofy butt senseless, that’s what! Other people would rather stay still, paralyzed with fear and stupidity. If you hear a noise coming from the attic or any other dark area about as large as a serial killer, don’t investigate. That’s what the numbers 9 and 1 and 1 are for on a phone. If you are pursued by the slowest killer in history, Michael Myers, keep a good pace, and then throw any nearby items at his face, kicking him while he’s down and always keeping both eyes on him. If all else fails, just leave the house. Hey, it’s not YOUR kids he’s murdering!

Because of this site’s family style setting and the harsh feelings against this topic will likely summon foul language, I shall replace every bad word with ‘poop’. Thank you.Hollywood is full of insane people that could make a movie about anything remotely popular like going to the bathroom as long as it includes Johnny Depp and explosions. This topic includes video games. Now, I’m no genius, but the first movie was probably the Mario Brothers. The worst piece of ‘poop’ ever to disgrace this planet was not actually based on Italians crushing mushrooms and throwing fireballs. No, it had to do with magic and ‘poop’ story or something like that. I mean, really, they said Bowser was a dinosaur. He’s obviously a fat dragon with spikes, duh. Also, Yoshi was not an ugly velociraptor, further proving that Hollywood likes anything that can kill us. Next on my list is the kinda good Tomb Raider movies. The only reason it did so well is because it had a foxy actress and….actually, that’s about all the movie had to offer. Then came the Final Fantasy film, done only in CGI. I think it’s the best movie of the lot, which is still bad. The fighting scenes are so close up and quick they could be about anything, let alone fighting, not to mention Sephiroth’s attraction to Cloud, which is bordering on scary. Then there is Doom, and there’s nothing much to say except that it looks like the game. And now, we get to the worst of the worst: Hitman. The GAME Hitman is fun, killing enemies (and sometimes the innocent), sniping, the works. The MOVIE Hitman is such a ‘poop’ing ‘poop’ of ‘poop’ that my ‘poop’ could ‘poop’ a poop’ more than this ‘poop’ could in a ‘poop’ing day! It’s a horrible rip-off of the James Bond movies, only not cool or entertaining. Thank you and have a great ‘poop’ day!

CAUTION! TV SHOW ‘LOST’ SPOILERS ALERT!      

 Everyone knows it. “Oh dear, the plane crashed on a strange island! Well, at least I don’t have any taxes to pay for a while.” Now, imagine this island is full of a wide range of characters, all just happen to have a troubled past. Then add polar bears, cursed numbers, child kidnappings, and a rabid fan base, and you’re watching LOST. Now, there are thousand of claims to what is going on in this crazy island, and those are only the most insane ones (a skit on Saturday Night Live assumed that the island is on a giant’s big toe). I am going deeper into the depths of this most confusing and brain-numbing show available.

1. The Numbers – 4 8 15 16 23 42. The most mysterious thing in LOST is also raking in the most money, so chances are they won’t reveal it soon. There are so many thoughts about this one it’s insane. Some say it’s Satanic. Some say it’s simply a list of cursed numbers. Some guy even said that the numbers don’t do anything, and Hurly was just having a very, very, very bad week ever since he won 100 mil in the lottery by using those very numbers. Who knows, maybe the LOST crew made the numbers just to confuse the audience. Okay, maybe it was a freak coincidence that a meteor (or is it a meteorite?) crushed Hurley’s newly bought restaurant while the news reporter just happened to be inspecting it. Mondays, man.
2. The Actual Island – Something about that place is very unsettling. Maybe it’s the hatches, polar bears, or the downed plane stuffed to the brim with statues of the Holy Mary loaded with pot. Or the inclusion of the red-breasted herring, which is obviously a non-indigenous fish. Oh, and the hallucinations. Either the survivors secretly snatched the pot when ‘Crazy-Eyes’ Loch wasn’t looking, or the island is magical, or the polar bears have the ability of hypnosis, which is probably the second most insanely scary thing ever next to a flying velociraptor.
3. The Button – Those guys at Dharma have about two job opportunities: watching people on security cameras while laughing at them, or pressing a button in a hatch. The second job is much more boring and mysterious. In seasons past, it was explained that the island has a strong magnetic field, and if the button is not pressed, we can only assume that’s very, very bad. Well, Lock didn’t care, so he stopped pressing the button. Then, much to the opposite of his expectations, the hatch imploded. Somehow, Lock became mute for an hour, Echo got teleported into a bear cave, that British guy went into the past, only to get hit by a bat and re-appear naked in the middle of the island with the ability to foresee a person’s death, and Charlie escaped unscathed. Yea, something tells me that the producers don’t have a clue as to what’s going on, and are just making stuff up as they go along.

Welcome, boys and girls of all ages, to the most spine-tingling, hair-rising presidential campaign to this day! Who will win? Barack? Hillary? Basically anyone who isn’t a Republican? Who knows! Please read the second-to-last sentence. Now, as you all know, this election is for the Democrats. Maybe it’s because the Democrats have their own secret weapon: controversy. Maybe it’s because nobody wants another man that has the same campaign promises as Bush, who charmed the American populace with strings of what we once thought to be “cute mistakes” but we quickly found out that he had the skills of a mule and would not stop saying “nucular”. Nevertheless, they may try, but we all know we’re going to have either a black guy or a woman as president.  I’m not into the constant fighting this year. This is mostly from Clinton’s side. At first she was on Obama’s  side, like that “pal” who just sticks around you and may get on your nerves. Then, like a ferocious beast, she turned on him. She said, quote, “Shame on you Barrack Obama! Shame-on-you!”. There are also rumors that she sent government agents to search Obama’s personal files. Well, karma reared it’s ugly mug and announced that Clinton, while is saying she is totally against a bill, was seen meeting with someone to discuss the bill. Meanwhile, Barrack has been getting a leg up on the competition by doing what comes naturally; not caring at all. Now, it may sound that I’m pro-Obama, but I’m just listing the facts. Hillary DID go ape on her “pal” and there are RUMORS that the authorized the file search, and I’m not very wary of politics, a.k.a., I could not care less. I mean, do we really have to squabble around like small children fighting over a cookie just for a measly job as the all-powerful leader of the most acknowledged and well-armed nation in all of the planet and be praised as a God or loathed and despised by the entire human race? Well, maybe there is a little reason for squabble, but let’s not do it in front of the camera, okay?And if I would vote, it would be for Samuel L Jackson.